I sat Indian style at the foot of my bed in front of the door , a knife in my hand , surrounded by books with tears in my eyes. I was in the last semester of my senior year of college. The heavy burden of defeat, rejection, and whatever else pain the devil had in my face came to a head. My soul was tired . I had literally given up my will to live. Past and current failures flooded my mind as I continued to weep.
Then a thought popped in my mind telling me my feeling were not right and I got the strength to whimper aloud “ God help me”.
The feelings of helplessness and defeat seem to instantly leave me and I stopped crying. Something heavy came off my body or out of me. I wiped the hot streams of tears from my cheeks , picked up my book and began reading again.
Unfortunately, all stories of suicidal thoughts do not end like mine did . Not everyone chooses to hang on to what inch of life they feel they have left.
That was the first thought of suicide (however not the last) I ever had and it was the most intense episode. As I look back on that very low day in life, God gave me insight on what caused me to get so low. You see when people become suicidal, the thought is a seed like anything else. That thought has been watered throughout time with identity issues, worry and most important pain. I didn’t look suicidal , no one knew I had the thought to my knowledge until years later. Of course I did not make it public until years later so I hid my pain very well.
My problem in that moment was I was scared to fail. I was afraid to flunk out of school and become an embarrassment to my family. Well that was the surface issue. The deeper lying root was that I had an identity issue. I used accolades and material possessions to define me. In reality I was worth more than a piece of paper. I also dealt with rejection and how people perceived me. So I was more worried about my family seeing me as inadequate for not graduating college than I was about finishing college for myself. I had always wanted to go to college since I was a kid, I saw it as the only way out of the hood and to be successful. The devil plants seeds EARLY you see from my feelings of inadequacy.
Funny thing is, I never thought of suicide until after I accepted the Lord Jesus as my savior. When I had no knowledge of Jesus, the thought of suicide never crossed my mind. Even as a child when times became rough, I prayed to somebody, i believe it may have been God , but I didn’t have a full reverence for Him. I didn't really know who to pray too I just knew somebody was listening. When this suicidal point came in my life, I had been a member of church for a while. I could recall learning about the bible and how suicide was a permanent decision to a temporary problem. Those scriptures and teachings of hope are what allowed that last plea from God Himself to break thought the flood of death to have me cry out to Him.
In God’s word you have the greatest love story ever told with additional love letters of hope and security.
God tells you how valuable you are in Isaiah 43:4, Psalm 139:13-16, Romans 5:8, Matthew 10:31, and John 3:16 to name a few.
God shows you how He comforts you in times of despair and hopelessness in Deuteronomy 31:8, Joshua 1:9, Psalm 23. Psalm 91, Psalm 27:1, and Psalm 9:9 to recall a few more .
So I say to you NOTHING in this world or your world is worth you dying for . I do not care what disease, relationship, financial problem or sorrow has shown its ugly face to you, you deserve to live . No matter what ill word someone has spoken over you, you are valuable and loved by the mighty power that created everything and more importantly He created you.
God does not want you down and out (Jeremiah 29:11) . He does not want you to die , He sent His son Jesus to die for you so that you will have a future (John 3:16). God will provide for you, do not worry (Philippians 4:19). God cares about you (1 Peter 5:7). God wants you to know that your present trials will not last forever that He can bring you out of it stronger than you were before it (Matthew 21:21, Matthew 17:20).
I challenge you to stand up right now and say I WILL LIVE AND NOT DIE IN JESUS NAME! You must start to thank God right now for allowing you to see this day no matter how bad or good your day is going you say THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS DAY.
I love you and more importantly, God loves you.